Numb.

It's amazing how truly alone you can feel, surrounded by hundreds of people.

I want to enjoy this, I want to smile easy, laugh a lot. But I just feel so numb. I feel like I don't belong like I'm not wanted. I don't feel a part of  things. I'm there, but I'm not really there. I'm no where. I'm nothing. I'm alone. And no one knows how I feel because I barely even do.
I wish I could tell him but I don't want to bother him. And I don't want him to leave......

I wish I was normal. I wish I wasn't so imperfect.




I wish I was someone that someone could love.

"I lost you once, I think I can do it again, if it's what I thought you really wanted." - The Notebook. ♥

I am done chasing after you. I am done.
I am letting go; if you want me, it’s your turn to prove it.
You say you need space? You need time?
Well now you’ve got it.
I’m done trying, I’m done crying.
This is all up to you.

I'm supposedly selfish simply because I want to be something that you're scared to lose...but how is that so? I think that's in some ways what every one wants - boy or girl. Everyone wants to mean that much to someone, everyone wants it to matter if they're there or not.
I just want to know that you want me. I just want to be assured that I am what you want, what makes you smile. That's all I want to be.

I'm watching the Notebook and all I can think of is you. ALL I can think of is YOU. "I lost you once, I think I could do it again, if I thought it's what you really wanted."

July 30, 2008. I lost you because I didn't fight for it.
I won't make that mistake again. I will fight for this, I will fight for us.

But I can't be the only one fighting for this.

I want you. I want you to love me, to want me,, to need me. I want you to be scared to lose me. I want this. I want us. I want to grow old with you on rocking chairs on our front porch with grandkids sitting with us.

I have done all I can think of to convince you to stay, to make it clear that I want you. Now, it's just a waiting game. Well I'm not going to simply sit here. That never ends well for me. So I'm going to go on with my life. I'm going to go on as if this isn't happening; I'm going to go like my heart isn't starting to tear.

 
If you want me, you're going to have to prove it.

You're going to have to chase me.

Do you love me?

I've come to realize, that over time since my past, I am weaker. I am no longer the strong girl I was proud to be. Because I was strong because I was alone. I had no one to depend on, no one to turn to. Though it was lonely, I built up my walls. The walls that I would find refuge hiding behind. Now those walls are almost gone...I miss them. They came down before I was ready and now I'm vulnerable, more so than I ever wished to be.
I fall, and it's a whole new way since before. Because I land differently every time, but at the same time they are all the same.

“I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.” - Neil Gaiman

They don't teach you what love feels like, because there is no "set" way to love, or what it feels like. Love is more than what can be put into words. It is everything. It is the smile on your face, the light in your eyes. It's the silent glances stolen from across the room. It's holding hands in the hallway. It's laughing at the simplest of things. It's being a fool, but a happy fool, that of which we can be together and not having to look away.
Love is you. Love is this. This is love. Love life.

I should probably say a little about me...

[010407,032908,031210. <3]

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

The name's Kristi. I love summertime, love and life. CD's make me happy, music and swimming are my outlets. I love my friends and wouldn't be where I am without them. I'm not your average girl.
I have a lot of people in my life I consider amazing, (:
KDC, TSS, ANM, MKC. <3

My life is a story, MY story, that of which I am the writer. No one else.
(:
I'm dorky, competitive and random. I'm Kristi, and I'm happy with where my life is right now. It's all I ever wanted, and I wouldn't change it for the world. <3

It's the feeling that you know you could have gotten it, that really gets to you, that makes it hurt, that makes you try even harder until you reach it. -Me

Home is where the heart is. <3

"If I needed someone else to think for me, God wouldn't've given me a mind of my own." - ME

"I may not say the words as such, and though I may not look like much..I'm yours. <3"

"Well, I'm sure you'll find someone somewhere who'll find you."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)

"She fell, she hurt, she felt. She lived. And for all the tumble of her experiences, she still had hope. Maybe this next time would do the trick. Or maybe not. But unless you stepped into the game, you would never know."
— Sarah Dessen (This Lullaby)

"Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it."  - JK Rowling. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

I'm a lover, not a fighter, but I'll fight for what I love. <3

I may fall, but I can stand my ground. -Me

“I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.” <3

"According to Madam Pomfrey, thoughts could leave deeper scars than almost anything else."
— J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

Tomorrow is never something assured. The only thing we can be sure of is the second that we are living in right now, at this moment. We don't know what will happen in an hour, a day, a year. All we know is we've got one chance to live our life, live it up, make mistakes, fall in love, and have fun. Live for today, because tomorrow may shine different. - Mee.

"What if your grandma's a stripper?" - Coach Kaz

"id be walking around naked with my butt hanging out" - Christopher Dawkins(: (:

"Today, I was thinking about the expression 'revenge is a dish best
served cold'. Then I considered that 'revenge is sweet'. I've come to
the conclusion that revenge is ice cream. MLIA"

"Yeah and I would recommend that you live with no regrets, and even if it seems like the world is crashing on you, you shouldn't let it hold you down."

Life's a challenge. Life's full of moments, hopes, plans, dream,& memories that you'll never forget, even if you wanted to. Life's a rollercoaster ride, hang on, throw your hands in the air, scream at the top of your lungs, let yourself go, live. - Me

Anything other than yes is no. Anything other than stay is go. Anything less than I Love You is lying. <3
-John Mayer

"When something seems too good to be true, it's always best to shoot it just in case." - Fiona, Burn Notice.

If you really like her, make her yours before someone else does. <3

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control. <3



Isaiah 40:31 -
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary, and they shall walk, and not faint.<3

And maybe it's time to live up to my life; maybe it's time to make it all right. Screw limitations, screw imperfections, i'm thinkin what the hell? (: